So We Followed God to Florida...

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down...

I began a blog post like that a few years ago when I was resigning my position at my church to be a stay at home mom. Now I'm beginning this one the same way as God has flipped my family upside down again. 

The story of how the Hostetlers, party of four, uprooted from Arkansas and then landed by the beach, has God's fingerprints all over it and I'd love to let you in on some of the details. I don't want my sharing to make you think we are all that and a bag of chips; we are just a simple family trying to follow God where He leads. Thankfully, this time He made His plan abundantly clear. So grab a cup of coffee and pull up a chair and I'll tell you about our creative Father and His latest work in our family. 

We have to go back to April 2016 to start the tale. I received a text from Eric, a guy I used to work with at my church, saying his church in Nashville, Tennessee, was in the market for a children's minister and he wanted to know if I would be interested in the job. I thanked Eric for thinking of me but said no, saying 1) I had no desire to move, 2) children's ministry isn't really my thing - I prefer preschoolers, and 3) we couldn't even consider moving out of state anyway because Timothy's adoption process had basically no end in sight. I told Andy about the text and that night he said, "What if Jeff (another guy I worked with at our church) had texted?" I responded that I would have to consider it if Jeff texted. I served a long time alongside Jeff and April and I missed them. They love their new church and - duh - they live by the beach! Sure, I'd consider it. Then I put our conversation out of my mind because that was never going to happen. 

Until about three weeks later when it did. I was home with Timothy that day - he was sick. We were sitting on the couch and my phone buzzed. I looked down and saw that it was Jeff and assumed he was just bragging again about being at the Orange Conference (one of my favorite conferences to attend as a preschool minister). He'd already rubbed it in the day before and I was expecting it to be more of the same. Instead, I read, "Hey! Our preschool min resigned. Can I give our church your name?" Blank stare. Heart pounding. I all but fell off the couch. I just received the hypothetical, never-gonna-happen text. So now we revisit the reasons I told Eric no. 1) I had no desire to move, but if this is God, I'd better start praying about it. Besides, it's the beach. ;) 2) "Wait. Preschool ministry? My favorite? Ok, God, what's going on?" 3) Timothy's adoption - in the time between Eric and Jeff's texts, not only had Timothy's birth dad signed over rights, but the ten days to change his mind had passed AND the termination of parental rights hearing was THE NEXT DAY. The way was being cleared. 

I wrestled for two weeks about sending in my  resume. Why would a big church in a different state even entertain the idea of hiring a stay at home mom? Why put myself through the work and vulnerability of putting together and sending in a resume when I was most likely going to be told, "Thanks, but no thanks"? Worse yet, what if they wanted an interview??? Even worse still, what if they offered me the job and I had to make a big decision? Gah! Andy and I talked and prayed about it and sought wisdom from a few people for a couple of weeks. Finally, I asked Andy, "If it were just up to you - and you were making the decision - what would you have me do?" He responded, "I would have told you to send in your resume the next day." I had my husband's support and encouragement. I sent it the next morning. 

A few weeks later, I had a Skype interview. I was sick with nerves. What if they don't like me? What if they DO like me? Will this be awkward? What am I even doing? I chatted with the children's minister and discipleship pastor for about an hour. I thought it went pretty well, but I also gave them a few answers that I just knew would be negatives to them. Stuff about my strengths and weaknesses and what I liked and disliked about preschool ministry. I found out later the answers I gave were actually on the list of things they wanted in a preschool ministry leader. WHAT. 

A couple weeks later, I had a second Skype interview and a few weeks after that, Andy and I flew down to Jax to meet everyone in person. I'm not going to presume to speak for both of us, but I felt loved and wanted by the staff before I ever stepped foot off the plane. I was greeted with a chocolate gift basket. Seriously? Where do I sign? ;) 

In the middle of all the interviews and praying, I had a friend in Jonesboro tell me she was praying that God would reveal His plan regarding Jacksonville to us in scripture. I was studying Daniel and didn't really know how that would work, but sure - I'll see what happens. Oh, ye of little faith. God spoke to me so personally and directly through the book of Daniel, I could scarcely believe it. I'd go further into those details, but that would make this long story even longer. As it stands, if you're like me, you need a coffee refill to finish this post. Ha! Suffice it to say, by the end of the study of Daniel, I knew without a doubt God was calling me back out into vocational ministry and all signs were pointing to Chets Creek Church in Jax. 

God confirmed His will for us in many ways, not the least of which was through Elisabeth. When she first found out I was sending in my resume, she was unhappy. She loved her church, her school, her friends, and our town. When Andy and I got back from our first visit with Chets, Elisabeth prayed that God would show us - and her - what we were supposed to do. She prayed specifically that she would dream about it that night. Y'all. She dreamed we moved to Florida. Since that night, she has been so excited about our move and she hasn't looked back. God is so good and gracious to reveal Himself so personally to a fourth grader. 

One thing I haven't addressed yet is the sacrifice that obedience requires. Let me first state there is remarkable peace when you know you are heading where God is leading. But peace doesn't always mean easy. As much as we love Chets Creek, we had to say goodbye to Walnut Street. Not to mention our family. The majority of our family lived close enough to us in Arkansas that we could meet up for lunch on a Saturday. And we aren't the only ones who sacrificed. Obedience always involves sacrifice and, sometimes, it requires it of the people around you, as well. Our family has sacrificed much as we have followed God's leading - and they weren't given the option. Andy and I got to choose whether or not to be obedient; our parents just had to wait for our decision. Their sacrifice has not gone unnoticed by us and we are thankful for their support. 

When Andy and I went for our first visit to Chets, I prayed for courage to do what God asked. During the service that Sunday morning, one of the songs was new to me. 

Humbly I stand, an offering

With open hands, Lord, I bring 

Everything and nothing less

My best, my all

You deserve my every breath

My life, my song

I surrender, I surrender all

I could hear God asking me if I really meant it. "Jennifer, your family - do you really surrender that to Me? Your friends? The school Elisabeth attends and you all love?" One by one, I started giving things and people to God. As that song ended, the band went right into the next one -

You make me brave 

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

God really spoke to me that morning. If I was willing to surrender and trust, He could definitely handle making me brave and giving me courage to follow. 

We are now (semi) settled in our new home in Jax. Tomorrow morning, I will begin settling in at Chets Creek. Andy starts his job in a few days and the kids will get started in their schools soon, too. We are excited about what the future holds for us, for Chets, and for Jacksonville. 

I'll close with this: whatever God is calling you to do, do it! Talk to your neighbor. Go on the mission trip. Serve in the student ministry. (Unless you go to Chets; God wants YOU to serve in preschool. ;) ) Pick up and move to a different state if that what He's telling you to do. Choose to be obedient and He will give you the courage to follow Him. 

To Timothy on Gotcha Day

Dear Timothy,

     Today is the day your adoption became final and official. You are ours and we are yours and nothing will ever change that. You have been ours since we brought you home from the hospital - exactly 20 months and one day ago - but today, a judge gave you our last name and we are overwhelmed.

     There are many things rolling around in my head and heart right now. Things you need to know and things I need to remember. So I'm writing them for both of us, lest we get down the road and the memories fade a bit and we forget some of what God has done for our family. 

     The first thing I want you to know won't come as a shock. Son, you are adopted. ;) We have had numerous people ask if we would tell you - because, amazingly, you look like us. Well, we are telling you for two big reasons. 1) It would take The Truman Show-like effort to keep you from finding out. (Don't worry - we'll explain that reference later.) 2) We want you to know your story. We want you to know how God worked on your behalf and ours to place you in our family and make you a Hostetler.  

     The second thing I want you to know is that you were, are, and always will be wanted. I think a majority of humans go through times of insecurity, but I wonder if those who are adopted maybe experience that more frequently or deeply. So, my son, as you grow older and curious people ask you questions or the enemy whispers doubts in your mind, remember this: you have been wanted and loved since before you were born. Let me tell you a little of that story. Six weeks before you were born, we got your room ready for a little girl. God had other plans for her, though, and she went to a family He had chosen and prepared for her. I didn't understand that at the time and all I could see was a crib in your room, an empty crib. I so desperately wanted a baby to fill that crib and I wept and prayed over it. I reminded God of all the women and families in the Bible He gave children to and I asked Him to do it again. All three of us (and so many others) were praying for you - and you weren't even born yet! When you were born and it became clear you needed a home and a family, THAT DID NOT SURPRISE GOD. He knew you needed a daddy who would wrestle and show you how to be a godly man. He knew you needed a mommy who would snuggle and watch football with you. He knew you needed a sister who would adore you and help you deal with your sarcastic and strange parents. God also knew we needed you. He started preparing a place for you in our family a long time before you were born. He even had a crib ready for you - God is faithful down to the details. And we are thankful beyond measure. 

     Finally (for now), I want you to know that God has a plan and a purpose for you. He made you especially to fulfill that plan. He has already accomplished so much through you. My walk with the Lord has been greatly strengthened through this process of waiting for you and then waiting for the finalization of adoption. Sweet Timothy, you have changed the way I pray and I hope I never forget that. I have seen God do mighty works for you and for us. I won't venture to speak on the behalf of others, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with this story. I don't know what God has for you in the future, but "I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." (Philippians 1:6) We are watching expectantly to see that work in and through you. 

     So, my dear son, I'm going to close this the only way I know how, with three more things for us to remember. God is good. God is faithful. And His mercies are new every morning. 

     We love you, Timothy! Happy Gotcha Day!

It Is Not Enough

Today kicks off 30 days of prayer for orphans, leading up to Orphan Sunday (November 8th). Despite growing awareness of the worldwide orphan crisis, the numbers are still staggering. It affects 140 million children; 18 million of those have lost both parents. ("Single orphans" refer to children who have lost one parent. This often is just as devastating financially and socially, depending on where the child lives. For instance, is the remaining parent able/allowed to work? Is the child able to attend school? How will a marriage arrangement be made and afforded if the main provider dies? Is there anyone left to protect the child?)

Single and double orphans face things that most of the people reading this can't even comprehend - especially those in third world countries. Extreme hunger. Forced child labor. Trafficking. HIV. A lack of education. 

It's easy to become overwhelmed by the enormity of the global orphan crisis, so let's narrow our focus a bit. In 2014, there were over 400,000 children in the United States foster care system. 100,000 of them were waiting to be adopted. I haven't seen the 2015 statistics, but I would be surprised if they were lower. In the county where I live, there are 134 children currently in foster care. In Arkansas alone, there are 975 children awaiting adoption. I'm about to weep just typing that number. Let that sink in - 975 children in ONE state. These are children who are ready and able to be placed in a forever family; they are simply waiting for that family. And sadly, some of those children will age out of the system. Translation: they will become adults without ever having a family to call their own. This should not happen.

Abortion is a hot topic these days in our country, especially in the light of all the Planned Parenthood news. The pro-life crowd is rising up and growing louder. This is a good thing. But it is not enough.

It is not enough, my friend, to be pro-life if the conviction only lasts until birth. Take the 15 year old who is scared and doesn't have a support system. She's told the baby inside her is alive and decides not to have an abortion. We say "What a wonderful decision!" But now what does she do? Our celebration of the decision is not enough. Where is her hope? Who will help her? How will she finish school? Who will guide her in parenting - and not just through infancy?

It is not enough to be pro-life while ignoring the plight of children - here in our own city, state, country and around the world. We can not simultaneously say we believe in life IN the womb and not care for those OUTSIDE the womb.

It is not enough to picket abortion clinics while we ignore the children in foster care. If we say we are pro-life, we must be pro-life, not just anti-abortion.

There are so many ways to get involved in the orphan crisis locally and globally. The obvious ones are to become a foster or adoptive parent. Many people don't realize, however, there are other ways to step into the care and prevention of orphans. Here are a few:

       *Volunteer at your local Pregnancy Resource Center. I have a friend who volunteers at ours and not only was she able to counsel with a young woman about choosing life for her baby, the women became friends! My friend even took care of the baby while her mom took her college classes. That's what I'm talking about - offering help and hope. Without them, it looks too much like guilt and condemnation. 

       *Sponsor a child through an organization like Compassion International. CI helps families by making sure their children have adequate medical care, a good education, and food. These children may be single orphans or they may simply live in a country where work (thus, income and food) is scarce. We can partner with them, helping them keep their families together.

      *Be a support to foster and adoptive parents. They are tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally. With birth parent visits, doctors' appointments, and court dates - on top of "regular" parenting, they run ragged. The emotional weight is even heavier than the physical/daily life weight. I cannot even begin to express how thankful our family is for the people who have surrounded us through our journey.

      *Mentor a child in foster care. Every kid needs to know there is at least one adult in his corner. Someone who cares for him, spends time with him, and is consistently involved in his life. 

      *Call your local Department of Human Services office and ask them what they need that you could provide. Our DHS workers have incredibly difficult jobs; let's encourage them in their work. 

All of these things can be done by anyone, but there is a specific group of people I want to address. Christians, is there a better picture of what Christ did for us than adoption? Jesus sacrificed Himself so that we, who were separated from God, could become sons and daughters of God. Adoption is the most tangible picture we have here on earth to demonstrate the sacrificial love of God. James 1:27 says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." How can you get involved?

We say, as a culture, that children are our future. What would it look like if all of us really began acting like we believe that? Are we willing to pour out ourselves so children have a chance to grow up in a home with a family? Or will we continue wringing our hands, expressing concern about the upcoming generation - while we let scores of them remain in unstable environments to grow up and likely continue the cycle?

There is more to be done, pro-lifers. It is of utmost importance that "not enough" becomes a thing of the past. Let's go to battle - not just against an organization or practice, but FOR these children. From the foster homes in Craighead County to the orphanages in China, kids around the world need grown ups fighting for them. It will take all of us working together. 

TobyMac has a new song that pretty much sums it up - Love Feels Like. I'll close with some of the lyrics.

Like floating confetti, beautiful gets messy
When the fallout finds the floor
But in the depths of the trenches lies the richest of riches
Love is calling us to more

This is what love feels like.

Marriage: Forgiveness, Grace, Redemption

     My heart is heavy these days as I hear of marriages in trouble and falling apart. It hits close to home, sometimes there is a visible building-up to the crash and other times it comes as a "surprise" to the outsiders. Last week, I held my eight year old as she asked, "If you and daddy ever get in a big fight, will you take care of it so it doesn't keep happening and you get a divorce?" Those are heart-wrenching words from your child, but her heart is hurting for some of her friends going through their parents' divorce.

     I think my answer surprised her. "Babe, daddy and I HAVE had big fights; you've just not known about them." Does that surprise you, too? It shouldn't. Andrew and I are both human. Read: We have flaws and struggle with sin. We have been married now almost 12 years (we were just CHILDREN, I tell you). Overall, marriage has been wonderful and happy and we'd both do it all over again - BUT. Yes, but. We have had our share of rough times, some brought on by others and circumstances, but other times have been our fault. Our sin. Some of those times were incredibly dark and we wondered when the sun would come back out. 

     To me, the scariest thing about marriage is that I can only control one of us. I can pretend to control Andrew and I can manipulate him, but that's not real or love. All I can really control is me. Am I walking with the Lord? Am I loving and honoring my husband? Am I encouraging him in his relationship with Christ and praying for him? 

     As Christians, our marriage should be a demonstration of Christ's love for the world. Our relationship should be a picture of grace and redemption. (See Ephesians 6.) Are we going to mess up? Sin against God and each other? Yep. But we can extend forgiveness and grace to each other because Christ did that for us on the Cross. 

     Unfortunately, our reality is a broken world. I've watched couples struggle. I've wept over friends' marriages. I've watched spouses do everything they could to follow Christ and keep their marriage together, but do it alone. People say it takes two to make a marriage work. I'd like to argue that it takes three - husband, wife, Jesus. In the end, if one spouse refuses to actively participate in the life of a marriage, it can fall apart.

     The good news? Christ offers forgiveness, grace, and redemption to everyone. Never been married? Walk with Jesus. Married? Walk with Jesus. Divorced? Walk with Jesus. That's the answer. It's simple, but it's not easy. If you are married, fight for your marriage with everything you have. If it's hard right now, keep pushing forward. Let God use you and your spouse to show Himself to those around you. If your marriage has been lost, don't despair. Allow Christ to heal your heart. Hold tightly to Him and stand. You are not destined for a lifetime of sackcloth and ashes, my friend. Isaiah 61 says "The Spirit of the Lord God is on Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted. ... to provide for those who mourn in Zion; to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, festive oil instead of mourning, and splendid clothes instead of despair."

     If you have walked away from Jesus or have never turned to Him to begin with, 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." All unrighteousness - doesn't matter what it is or who you are - because HE is faithful and just. 

     I'll say one more thing and then I'll hop off my marriage soapbox for now. Girls, I used to be a bit sad that Pinterest wasn't around when I got married. (Geez. That kind of makes me feel old.) But you know what? GET OFF PINTEREST AND GET IN YOUR BIBLE. In today's culture, so much emphasis is placed on weddings. And they are beautiful and memorable and special. They also last 30 minutes to an hour. Guess what? After your wedding, you have a marriage. That guy you love so much? Next week, he's going to make you mad. What are you going to do with that? Tip: find a couple who has a growing marriage and ask them to be your friends! Spend time with them. Learn from their mistakes. Ask them to help you through yours. Trust me on this one.

     The night Elisabeth and I had our conversation, Andrew was at Bible study. When he got home, we had an after-bedtime-at-home-date-night. That means we ate ice cream out of the containers and watched Newhart. We're cool like that. In 50 years, I still want to eat ice cream and watch Newhart with him. Bonus: in 50 years, we won't have to hide the ice cream and wait until after the kids are in bed to eat it! I'm looking forward to the rest of my journey with my husband - and I know the only way we will make it through is if there are three of us walking together: Jesus, Andrew, and me. 

Those Fickle Israelites (and why I am no better than they were)

I've always been annoyed with and flabbergasted by the Israelites. They walked out of Egypt with all the Egyptians' treasures, finally a free people. Then they got to the Red Sea and freaked out - because surely they would die, either in the sea or at the hand of Pharaoh and his army. So God parts the waters and the Israelites are again saved and their enemies are destroyed. But that wasn't enough for them; they cowered down and wouldn't enter the land God promised to give them because they heard the people who lived there were giants. And over and over it continued. God did big things, the Israelites worshiped Him, the Israelites had a crisis of faith and faltered. I grow weary reading it. And I can't believe how ridiculous they were.

I have come to fully realize, however, I am just like the Israelites. God has done the miraculous in our family. For us, it was as big a miracle as the parting of the Red Sea. But now I'm looking at the giants in the Promised Land and wondering what's going to happen and if God has this covered, too. Haven't I seen enough to know without a doubt that God is all powerful and all knowing? One would think so. But doubt and fear creep in so quickly and take root. 

God is not the author of doubt or fear. He wants us to remember what He has done and what He has said. I think even more than those, though, He wants us to remember Who He is. Christ came to give abundant life, not a fearful and worrisome existence. God has been faithful - always, but especially in the last few weeks - to bring to my mind Scripture I have memorized. I haven't spent nearly enough energy memorizing in the last few years, but my mom had a secret weapon when I was a kid: GT and the Halo Express. They are kids' stories with Scriptures set to music. I had to know all the songs on one cassette before she would buy me the next one. Almost without even trying, I have verses coming to my mind and calming my heart. I learned most of them before I was 10. (Moral of this little story - get your kids memorizing Scripture. Brownie points if it's to music. Bonus: GT and the Halo Express is on CD now! I need to get them for my kids...)

God has also given me a new-found love of running - and my runs have become time to clear my mind and even have some personal worship. If you see a crazy lady running down the street with hands raised, tears flowing, and lips moving, just keep on driving. I participated in a half marathon a couple weeks ago and decided to pray for people and situations at each mile marker. This tactic helped pass the time and gave me some quality chatting time with God. When my heart is focused on Christ, the fear and stress dissipate. He quiets my heart and reminds me of Who He is and what He has done - not just in the Bible but in my own life. My faith is strengthened by these reminders and times with Him. (Also, a run is a lot better for me than my previous counselors, Ben & Jerry. Mmm. I think I left something in the freezer other room. Be back in a minute.)

I'm about to have a LOT more praying and running time - I have registered for my first full marathon. It is the Soaring Wings Marathon in October and it benefits the Soaring Wings Ranch in Conway, AR. The ranch is a Christian organization that provides a safe, structured environment for children who need it. I have run the Soaring Wings Half Marathon and am excited to participate in their first full marathon. I have signed up to be a Winged Warrior for the race, which means I am collecting donations for the ranch as I am training for the race. I did this for 2 reasons. 1) I want to help this ministry and support the kids and staff. 2) I am a bit overwhelmed by the idea of running a full marathon. Asking people to donate to the ranch adds an extra layer of accountability for me. If you choose to donate, you get a free pass to ask me how my training is going and whether or not I'm fueling my body well (i.e.: Is that your first cupcake this week, Jennifer? Didn't I see you at Sonic earlier today?) And I will try not to won't hit you in the face for asking. ;)

My goal is to raise $1,000 for the Soaring Wings Ranch. It sounds a little daunting, but that is just 100 people giving $10. For me, that basically is couple of grande flat whites with hazelnut syrup. If you would like to support the ranch, you can follow this link and help me raise some money! It's a great way to help kids be in a Christ-centered home and overcome obstacles they face.

I know God has a wonderful plan in the works for my family. While I wait to see the next part unfold, I'm going to run and pray and raise funds for the Soaring Wings Ranch - and watch His plan play out for them, as well. Join me by praying, giving, or even running with me! (Last I saw, there were still about 250 full marathon spots left and a lot of half spots, as well.)

For now, I'm going to rest at the place I keep returning: God is good. He is faithful. And His mercies are new every morning. 

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

Six weeks ago, I sat down to write. My heart was hurting, my eyes were wet, and my arms were empty. This morning, as I sit down to write, my eyes are still wet, but my heart is rejoicing and my arms are full. (Well, metaphorically speaking. It's hard to type while holding a baby. But I'm jumping ahead; let's back up.)

Seven weeks ago, we received a call that we would be getting a newborn girl the next day. An hour before we were going to leave to get her, it fell through. We had a crib set up and a diaper bag packed. All the grandparents were ready. Elisabeth was excited. And at the last minute, we lost what we never had. I was devastated. 

After the initial shock and pain began to subside, God really began to work in my heart and show me a few things. I have been praying for another child in our family for 6 years. Andy and I have always felt called to adopt; many of you know this. But over the last few years, I found myself being very cautious in my prayers. I would ask for what my heart desired and immediately follow it with, "but whatever Your will is, God". It is fabulous to pray for God's will, but I was using it as a safety net. If God didn't answer, it wasn't His will. I didn't pray fervently or with belief, because if I did and He didn't answer the way I wanted, would my faith stand? Could I handle that? I didn't know and I was afraid to find out. So I prayed timidly, safely, and - unfortunately - ineffectively. 

I joined a Bible study back in September, just a couple weeks before all of this happened. I wrestled with whether or not to do it; I knew it would be good, but it was one more time commitment. One more morning I would be out. One more thing on the schedule. It would require sacrifice on my part, but I decided to do it. And now, I am so glad I did. God placed me in this particular study, in my particular small group because He knew I would need it. (Case in point: there is another lady in my group who is using the same agency we are and who knows this process. The ladies who assigned us to our group had no idea we knew each other or what our circumstances were. Never doubt that God works in the details.)

During the lecture one morning, our leader said that prayer doesn't change the purposes of God, but it can sometimes change His actions. You can see this in Abraham's conversation with God regarding Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18). I knew this to be true for the people in the Bible, but I had always been afraid to really try it out; again, what if He said no? I wasn't willing to risk that.

Then one Sunday morning, I was at church and for some reason, the image of Hannah pleading with God at the temple for a baby kept invading my thoughts. All I could think about was how passionately she must have been praying - after all, the priest thought she was drunk! (1 Samuel 1) I knew I wasn't praying that passionately and I knew it was time to change. I began praying over the crib and being gut-level honest with God. I figured He knew anyway, so I might as well voice it. I prayed that God would bring us a baby for our crib and that He would deliver this baby before Elisabeth's birthday. I told God how much I wanted a baby again - to snuggle and feed and kiss. And I asked Him if that was not His will for us, to please change my heart. I prayed. I reminded God of all the women in the Bible to whom He had given babies - babies who weren't expected or thought to be possible - Hannah, Rachel, Leah, Sarah, Elizabeth, Mary - any I could remember. I prayed for us, for a baby, for friends in tough situations. I have prayed in the last 6 weeks like I have never prayed in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I was taking Elisabeth to school and my heart was just so heavy. I was praying for seemingly impossible situations to change and feeling discouraged and helpless. A Steven Curtis Chapman song ("Believe Me Now") came on; one of the lyrics is "I know all the fears you're feeling now, but do you remember who I AM?" He is the God of the impossible. I kept praying. 

That Sunday, Andy stayed home from church because he wasn't feeling well. He had found an Andy Stanley sermon series, In the Meantime, and we watched one of them that afternoon. In the sermon, Andy talked about Jesus praying right before His arrest and crucifixion. Jesus prayed "Father, if You are willing, take this cup away from Me - nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done." (Luke 22:42) Jesus wasn't using that as His prayer safety net, either. He was praying so passionately, He sweat blood! (Luke 22:44) He trusted God's plan and goodness enough to be able to stand and obey even if God's will wasn't what He wanted. This same thing kept coming up over and over and God had my attention. I kept praying, more boldly, more passionately.

The next afternoon, we got another call. This time, a newborn boy. Twenty-three hours later, we brought him home from the hospital. I want to tell you, too, the route on which God placed us for adoption very rarely leads to newborns. In fact, it is almost unheard of. God is so gracious. I don't know why He chose to answer this prayer the way He did, but I am thankful and humbled. My faith has be bolstered and my prayer life will never be the same. 

God is good. He is faithful. And His mercies are new every morning. This is true today and it was true seven weeks ago. It was true when my heart was on the floor and it is true now when my prayer has been answered.

One of my favorite things about this whole story is that God brought other people along with us to witness our miracle. Yesterday, a good friend told me she was teary when she received the text about our baby. She said, "I went home last Sunday and had a long talk with God about y'all", - and we got a baby two days later! She is just one of many who has prayed with and for us. So many people have been able to see God work in this, and I am so very thankful for that. I pray that others' faith will grow through this.

Please don't walk away from this believing I have said "whatever you pray for, God will give you!" What I am saying is this: take risks in your relationship with Him. Don't be afraid to ask the big things. What God desires is for us to walk closely with Him. He can handle our disappointments and hurts. He can handle it when we don't understand why His answer isn't what we wanted. But I can't know Him or His faithfulness, grace, and mercy fully if I hold Him at arms length, afraid to be disappointed. Please, Jesus, I don't want to go back.

Oh, and Elisabeth's birthday? Yeah, it's November 15th. God not only did the impossible by bringing us a baby, He also did it before my daughter's birthday. He chose to answer a specific prayer; He didn't have to and I am so undeserving. But He did it. And my heart, arms, and eyes are full. 

Our journey is far from over; I know that. But I also know this: God is good - always. God is faithful - always. And, yes, His mercies are new every morning. 

Praising in the Shadows

I'm tired, I'm worn, my heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes, I've let my hope fail
My soul is crushed from the weight of this world

But I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That You can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

(Worn - Tenth Avenue North)

This is exactly how I feel today. Our family has had a difficult week. Within 24 hours, we went from elation and joy to disappointment and devastation. Behind the smiles you may see, there are tears just waiting in the background. There are heavy hearts. It's kinda different to mourn for something you never even had, but that's where we are right now. And it is hard.

In the middle of the pain, I am speaking {out loud} things I know to be true. In the shadows, it is easy to forget and hard to praise. So I have been reminding myself of the Truth and speaking the words. These are the truths I have been repeating all week long: God is good. God is faithful. His mercies are new every morning. Over and over throughout the day. God is good. God is faithful. His mercies are new every morning. 

Another thing I know to be true is this: God has placed a distinct call on our family. Andy and I have known for ten years. And at this point, we believe we are pursuing that calling in the way in which He has led us. Hebrews 12:1 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." In the middle of the hurt, I want to run my race with perseverance. I want to throw off the anger and the bitterness and just run - and run well. 

A couple years ago, Elisabeth's school hosted a 2 mile fun run. Andy and I signed up for it and at the very last possible minute, Elisabeth decided to do it, too. We set out and Elisabeth was so excited. Soon, however, the excitement wore off and our kindergartner decided she had had enough - so she sat down in the middle of the road. After much coaxing, we got her back on her feet and she finished. (Somehow or another, she ended up winning a medal in her age group. I didn't sit down in the road, but I didn't get a medal. Whatever. I'm not bitter.)

God has set this course before us and - as hard and painful as it might be some days - I don't want to sit down in defeat. I may slow down to a crawl, but I refuse to stop or to try to get on someone else's course. When it is over, I want so badly to be able say 2 Timothy 4:7, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 

We all have a calling to answer and a race to run. I want to complete mine. I will press on; there may will be more tears, but I will press on. I want to finish my race with my faith intact. My running mantra? You guessed it.

God is good. God is faithful. And, yes, His mercies ARE new every morning.