Marriage: A Look Back at the First Ten Years

Today, Andy and I are celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. I won't get all mushy-gushy here; I'll save that for a Facebook status or something. ;) Instead, I'd like to share a little bit of what I have learned about marriage over the last decade. I realize that ten years pales in comparison to, say, 30 or 50 years. That being said, we know couples who haven't made it this far and it is disheartening. I hope I can offer encouragement (and maybe a little wisdom) to other couples.

A fairly common misconception among some of our friends and acquaintances is that Andy and I get along so well and our marriage has been a cakewalk. Perhaps a few small bumps here and there, but nothing really of any consequence. So it's natural for us to be happy and in love. It's easy.

False. We've had some major bumps and issues to deal with and overcome. Here are a few examples:

• My parents separated and divorced shortly after we got married. Andy's parents were already divorced. Our first Christmas as a married couple had us making more Christmas rounds than you can shake a stick at. 
• When Elisabeth was about a year old, Andy got sick and was tested for, among other things, leukemia. Praise Jesus, he ended up with just a mono-like virus and nothing serious, but I don't like to remember or talk about the fear I felt during those days.
• Four years of dealing with major health issues and over a year of infertility ended in a hysterectomy for me - at age 27. 
• Having believed since before Elisabeth was born that we were called to adopt, we have taken steps to follow through with this calling. We had a birth mom tell us she wanted us to adopt her baby and we were in the midst of conversations with her. While we were sitting at the attorney's office for a consultation visit on finances around a private adoption, I received a text from her telling us she had changed her mind. 

We've walked through these and other circumstances. We've dealt with sin and hurt. I'm not saying it has been awful or too difficult to handle, but I am saying it hasn't be a cakewalk. Also, we got married at 20 and 21 and had some growing up to do. So, in no particular order (except for #1), these are some things I have learned about marriage.

1. Make Christ the center. It sounds so trite, but I can't stress this enough. If both spouses are following Christ and walking with Him daily, just about everything else falls in place after it. This is as simple as it is scary. See, I can't control Andy's walk with Christ. I can only make sure I am doing what I need to do. Our worst times have been when one (or both) of us has neglected our time with Him. When I am spending time in the Word and walking closely with Christ, He works through me. When both Andy and I are doing this consistently and well, our home is happy and peaceful. I can't express how thankful I am to have a husband who loves Jesus and leads our family to do the same.

2. Learn from others. One of the best decisions we made was to hangout with a couple who had been married a long time and glean from them. We asked a couple at our church - before we even got engaged - if we could spend time with them and observe their marriage and pick their brains. Not only were they there to walk us through being engaged and the very early years of our marriage, but we have lifelong friends who we know will hold us accountable.

3. Be kind! For real. Our spouses catch our worst. When I've had a bad day, I'm polite to the cashier, the teacher, the repairman, and the telemarketer and then treat my husband like he spit on my ice cream. I've realized my tendency to do this and have tried to really embrace the team mentality. Andy is on my side and for me. Instead of bottling it up and taking it out on him, I let him know what is going on and how he can help. "I need a bubble bath, a coke, and a good book." "I need to go for a run." "I need some time alone to read my Bible." "Can we just watch a movie together and forget about the day?" It works so much better when you team up instead of playing the game of Life as individuals.

4. Put your marriage before your children. Lots of people have said lots of things about this. I don't have anything extra to add to it; just know it's important! (And while we're on the topic of children - parent together! Be a united front or the "ankle biters" - as Kevin Leman calls them - will totally pit you against each other.)

5. Guard your relationship! That should be a "well, duh" but unfortunately, that's not always the case. We are very open with each other about our friendships and working relationships with the opposite sex. We don't spend time alone with members of the opposite sex - not because we are "old fashioned" or afraid, but because we value and respect our marriage and each other. We know each other's phone pass codes and email/FaceBook passwords. If one of us feels threatened by someone, we let the other know. 

6. Apologize often; keep your slate clean. And, please, a real apology. "I'm sorry you are sensitive and your feelings got hurt when I said..." doesn't cut it. 

7. The physical stuff matters more than most people think. Our culture has drastically cheapened what God created as pure and vital for a healthy marriage. It is never wise to neglect what God deems important. (Check out 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 if you are skeptical!)

8. Control your schedule instead of letting your schedule control you. Make time for rest - for yourself, your marriage, and your family. This past year, I resigned from my job to work from home. One of the driving forces behind that decision was to protect our relationship and family. We had all been running from place to place, event to event, and home ceased to be a haven. We were all exhausted and snippy when we got home and WHO THE HECK WAS GOING TO MAKE DINNER??? And don't even get me started on the laundry and mopping. The tone in our home and our marriage has become much nicer over the last few months. This isn't to say God's will for everyone is to quit jobs; however, do what you can to slow your pace a little. Create some margin for marriage and family time. It's okay - and even good sometimes - to say no. Protect your marriage and family! 

9. Have fun! As much as I enjoy coffee and strolls around Target with friends, my favorite person to be around is Andy. We goof off and play games and laugh hysterically at inside jokes (and occasionally our kid). He really is my best friend and my first choice for hangout time. 

Let me add a little caveat here: a successful marriage happens when BOTH spouses are working for it. Andy and I both work at our marriage. You can do everything most things right and not have a perfect marriage. We don't have one. Why? They don't exist. Marriages involve humans. Humans are imperfect and sin. That's where the forgiveness and grace come in. As much grace as God has shown me, who am I to refuse it to my husband? And, praise Jesus, Andy extends it to me as well. (Additional caveat: this does NOT apply to an abusive relationship. Forgive, but get out and get safe. Okay? Okay.)

Marriage isn't always easy, but it can be simple. And it is worth it. There are parts of the last ten years I would never want to relive. But I wouldn't trade them, because we are in this place because of the lessons we've learned and the difficulties we've survived. 

I'm not a marriage expert. I'm just an regular girl married to a regular guy. And if I was given the choice, I'd do it all over again. And without being too presumptuous, I believe he'd say the same thing. :)

PS - Since you made it this far, here's a glimpse of ten years ago.