His Mercies Are New Every Morning

Six weeks ago, I sat down to write. My heart was hurting, my eyes were wet, and my arms were empty. This morning, as I sit down to write, my eyes are still wet, but my heart is rejoicing and my arms are full. (Well, metaphorically speaking. It's hard to type while holding a baby. But I'm jumping ahead; let's back up.)

Seven weeks ago, we received a call that we would be getting a newborn girl the next day. An hour before we were going to leave to get her, it fell through. We had a crib set up and a diaper bag packed. All the grandparents were ready. Elisabeth was excited. And at the last minute, we lost what we never had. I was devastated. 

After the initial shock and pain began to subside, God really began to work in my heart and show me a few things. I have been praying for another child in our family for 6 years. Andy and I have always felt called to adopt; many of you know this. But over the last few years, I found myself being very cautious in my prayers. I would ask for what my heart desired and immediately follow it with, "but whatever Your will is, God". It is fabulous to pray for God's will, but I was using it as a safety net. If God didn't answer, it wasn't His will. I didn't pray fervently or with belief, because if I did and He didn't answer the way I wanted, would my faith stand? Could I handle that? I didn't know and I was afraid to find out. So I prayed timidly, safely, and - unfortunately - ineffectively. 

I joined a Bible study back in September, just a couple weeks before all of this happened. I wrestled with whether or not to do it; I knew it would be good, but it was one more time commitment. One more morning I would be out. One more thing on the schedule. It would require sacrifice on my part, but I decided to do it. And now, I am so glad I did. God placed me in this particular study, in my particular small group because He knew I would need it. (Case in point: there is another lady in my group who is using the same agency we are and who knows this process. The ladies who assigned us to our group had no idea we knew each other or what our circumstances were. Never doubt that God works in the details.)

During the lecture one morning, our leader said that prayer doesn't change the purposes of God, but it can sometimes change His actions. You can see this in Abraham's conversation with God regarding Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18). I knew this to be true for the people in the Bible, but I had always been afraid to really try it out; again, what if He said no? I wasn't willing to risk that.

Then one Sunday morning, I was at church and for some reason, the image of Hannah pleading with God at the temple for a baby kept invading my thoughts. All I could think about was how passionately she must have been praying - after all, the priest thought she was drunk! (1 Samuel 1) I knew I wasn't praying that passionately and I knew it was time to change. I began praying over the crib and being gut-level honest with God. I figured He knew anyway, so I might as well voice it. I prayed that God would bring us a baby for our crib and that He would deliver this baby before Elisabeth's birthday. I told God how much I wanted a baby again - to snuggle and feed and kiss. And I asked Him if that was not His will for us, to please change my heart. I prayed. I reminded God of all the women in the Bible to whom He had given babies - babies who weren't expected or thought to be possible - Hannah, Rachel, Leah, Sarah, Elizabeth, Mary - any I could remember. I prayed for us, for a baby, for friends in tough situations. I have prayed in the last 6 weeks like I have never prayed in my life.

A couple of weeks ago, I was taking Elisabeth to school and my heart was just so heavy. I was praying for seemingly impossible situations to change and feeling discouraged and helpless. A Steven Curtis Chapman song ("Believe Me Now") came on; one of the lyrics is "I know all the fears you're feeling now, but do you remember who I AM?" He is the God of the impossible. I kept praying. 

That Sunday, Andy stayed home from church because he wasn't feeling well. He had found an Andy Stanley sermon series, In the Meantime, and we watched one of them that afternoon. In the sermon, Andy talked about Jesus praying right before His arrest and crucifixion. Jesus prayed "Father, if You are willing, take this cup away from Me - nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done." (Luke 22:42) Jesus wasn't using that as His prayer safety net, either. He was praying so passionately, He sweat blood! (Luke 22:44) He trusted God's plan and goodness enough to be able to stand and obey even if God's will wasn't what He wanted. This same thing kept coming up over and over and God had my attention. I kept praying, more boldly, more passionately.

The next afternoon, we got another call. This time, a newborn boy. Twenty-three hours later, we brought him home from the hospital. I want to tell you, too, the route on which God placed us for adoption very rarely leads to newborns. In fact, it is almost unheard of. God is so gracious. I don't know why He chose to answer this prayer the way He did, but I am thankful and humbled. My faith has be bolstered and my prayer life will never be the same. 

God is good. He is faithful. And His mercies are new every morning. This is true today and it was true seven weeks ago. It was true when my heart was on the floor and it is true now when my prayer has been answered.

One of my favorite things about this whole story is that God brought other people along with us to witness our miracle. Yesterday, a good friend told me she was teary when she received the text about our baby. She said, "I went home last Sunday and had a long talk with God about y'all", - and we got a baby two days later! She is just one of many who has prayed with and for us. So many people have been able to see God work in this, and I am so very thankful for that. I pray that others' faith will grow through this.

Please don't walk away from this believing I have said "whatever you pray for, God will give you!" What I am saying is this: take risks in your relationship with Him. Don't be afraid to ask the big things. What God desires is for us to walk closely with Him. He can handle our disappointments and hurts. He can handle it when we don't understand why His answer isn't what we wanted. But I can't know Him or His faithfulness, grace, and mercy fully if I hold Him at arms length, afraid to be disappointed. Please, Jesus, I don't want to go back.

Oh, and Elisabeth's birthday? Yeah, it's November 15th. God not only did the impossible by bringing us a baby, He also did it before my daughter's birthday. He chose to answer a specific prayer; He didn't have to and I am so undeserving. But He did it. And my heart, arms, and eyes are full. 

Our journey is far from over; I know that. But I also know this: God is good - always. God is faithful - always. And, yes, His mercies are new every morning.